


If it’s a choice between rotting away in a crypt and kickin’ it Steve Buscemi “How do you do, fellow kids” style, it’s pretty clear which holds more widespread appeal.

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Earth C (Homestuck), F/F, M/M, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:40:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25202587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Dirk and Kanaya talk for the first time.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Comments: 48
Kudos: 175





	If it’s a choice between rotting away in a crypt and kickin’ it Steve Buscemi “How do you do, fellow kids” style, it’s pretty clear which holds more widespread appeal.

**Author's Note:**

> [Made with homestuck5.com](http://www.homestuck5.com/)

KANAYA: Im Flattered That You Wanted To Talk Dirk  
KANAYA: Although I Have To Admit I Still Have A Hard Time Fully Conceptualizing The Need To Elevate You Over Any Of The Other New Humans  
DIRK: Ah, right.  
DIRK: Because Rose and I think of each other as “family.”  
KANAYA: Exactly  
KANAYA: Im Sorry  
KANAYA: Its Not Meant To Be A Slight Against You  
DIRK: Don’t worry, it’s not taken as one.  
DIRK: And on the opposite side of this same well-intentioned coin,  
DIRK: I promise this sentence I’m about to say isn’t meant to be taken by you as some sort of gotcha, or a whining need for approval, or setting myself up for a self-inflicted competition for attention.  
KANAYA: Im Having A Hard Time Imagining All This Coming Across In A Single Sentence  
DIRK: Well the point is that it’s not.  
KANAYA: Okay  
DIRK: This is purely sociological interest speaking.  
KANAYA: ?  
DIRK: I'm curious if you feel the same way about Roxy.  
KANAYA: Oh Of Course I See  
KANAYA: Youve Seen Roxy Spending Time With Rose And Me  
KANAYA: And You Want To Know Why Ive Contradicted My Own Rule To Bond With Roses “Mother”  
DIRK: I’m not accusing you of contradicting anything.  
DIRK: I really am just honest-to-god curious.  
KANAYA: Well In That Case No  
KANAYA: If Were Speaking Purely Sociologically Here  
DIRK: Mm hm.  
KANAYA: I Dont Feel The Same Way About Roxy  
DIRK: Again, totally fine.  
KANAYA: Good  
KANAYA: If It Makes You Feel Any Better I Think The Reasoning Has Nothing To Do With Family From My Perspective  
KANAYA: Its Simply That Roxy  
KANAYA: Or At Least Another Version Of Her  
KANAYA: Was A Formative Part Of Roses Life Before I Met Her  
DIRK: Mmm.  
KANAYA: So I Feel A Natural Compulsion To Show What Could Mistranslate As Familial Interest  
DIRK: I get that.  
KANAYA: Whereas You Are  
KANAYA: ...  
KANAYA: Um  
DIRK: Just some fuckin’ rando?  
KANAYA: Er  
KANAYA: Yes  
KANAYA: Sorry  
DIRK: No offense taken whatsoever.  
KANAYA: Okay Good  
DIRK: And yeah, I can understand how this could come off as strange and arbitrary.  
DIRK: Being asked to assign special weight to a relationship with some dude you’ve never met just because he shares a couple strands of DNA with your girlfriend.  
DIRK: Fuck.  
DIRK: I mean matesprit.  
KANAYA: Oh Its Fine  
KANAYA: We Use Both  
DIRK: Huh.  
DIRK: That’s interesting.  
DIRK: Dave and Karkat seem to do the same thing.  
KANAYA: Yes Well I Cant Speak To Their Personal Decisions  
KANAYA: But Ive Found That Rose And I Refer To Each Other Roughly Half The Time As “Girlfriends”  
KANAYA: And Just As Frequently And Naturally As Matesprits  
KANAYA: Although I Suppose That Second Term Is A Bit Of A Misnomer  
KANAYA: Since In Practice We Are For All Intents And Purposes  
KANAYA: To Borrow Yet Another Human Word  
KANAYA: “Monogamous”  
DIRK: Interesting.  
KANAYA: Of Course For The Past Sweep And A Half Options For Other Quadrants Were Distinctly Limited  
KANAYA: Oh Wait  
KANAYA: Im Sorry  
KANAYA: You Probably Dont Know Anything About Quadrants  
DIRK: Oh no, I know everything.  
KANAYA: ...  
KANAYA: Everything  
DIRK: Pretty much, yeah.  
DIRK: I could give you the whole spiel about Moirallegiance and Kismesissitude and what have you, but there’s probably no need, right?  
KANAYA: ...No  
KANAYA: I  
KANAYA: Suppose Theres Not  
DIRK: Cool.  
KANAYA: Well Okay Then  
KANAYA: Thats Easy  
DIRK: Yeah don’t worry.  
DIRK: Quadrants are old fuckin’ news.  
KANAYA: Huh  
KANAYA: Anyway  
KANAYA: In Spite Of Those Quadrant Limiting Circumstances  
KANAYA: Ive Found Myself Growing Progressively More Comfortable With The Idea  
DIRK: Of monogamy?  
KANAYA: Yes  
KANAYA: Ive Thought About It And Ive Come The Conclusion That No Matter What Happens Or However Many New People We Come To Meet  
KANAYA: I Think Ill Keep Feeling Perfectly Content Devoting Myself To Just This One Person  
DIRK: Damn.  
KANAYA: Yes  
KANAYA: Damn  
DIRK: Heh.  
KANAYA: Im Afraid That Doesnt Make Me A Very Good Troll However  
DIRK: That’s alright.  
DIRK: I think in a lot of ways I’m not a particularly good human.  
KANAYA: Huh  
KANAYA: Maybe We Actually Have Something In Common  
DIRK: More than just a shared interest in a third person who isn’t even fucking here right now.  
KANAYA: It Would Certainly Make For Better Conversation If We Did  
DIRK: It definitely would.  
DIRK: And you know what?  
DIRK: I can feel it.  
DIRK: There’s something here, Kanaya.  
KANAYA: Oh Yes  
DIRK: You’re picking up on it too?  
KANAYA: Absolutely  
DIRK: Yeah, you know what? I’m fuckin’ calling it.  
DIRK: All that SBURB and SGRUB fuckery, all those long years of death and insanity, it was all leading up to this moment.  
DIRK: It was all contrived so one day, here on this grassy knoll, the two of us could meet.  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: And fall in love.  
KANAYA: ...  
KANAYA: Hrrrkk  
KANAYA: Heh  
KANAYA: Hahahahahahahahahaha  
DIRK: Whoa.  
KANAYA: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaha  
DIRK: _Damn_.  
KANAYA: Hahahahahaha Oho No Haha  
KANAYA: Ha  
KANAYA: Im Sorry  
KANAYA: I Promise I Meant That Laugh Good Naturedly  
KANAYA: But I Can See How It Might Be Construed As A Bit  
KANAYA: Meanspirited  
DIRK: Oh my god, no!  
DIRK: No apology necessary.  
KANAYA: Okay  
DIRK: I mean, I hope it was evident,  
DIRK: Like, _really_ fucking evident.  
DIRK: That that was a joke.  
KANAYA: Good  
KANAYA: I Thought It Was  
DIRK: An inappropriate and fucking bizarre joke, but...  
DIRK: Yeah.  
KANAYA: Thats Alright  
KANAYA: It Was Actually A Pretty Good Joke  
DIRK: I mean it landed way better than I think it ever deserved.  
KANAYA: Hahaha!  
DIRK: Fuck, I’m sorry.  
KANAYA: Dont Be  
DIRK: Man, that would be a weird as all fuck pairing.  
KANAYA: It Would Be  
DIRK: Although I can’t help but suspect someone out there would want to see that.  
DIRK: I bet there are exactly... ten instances you could come up with.  
KANAYA: Thats An Oddly Specific Number  
DIRK: I mean, in a way, all numbers are.  
KANAYA: What  
DIRK: Obviously, the digits on the right side of the decimal point are infinite.  
KANAYA: Uh  
DIRK: Maybe some of them are zeroes, sure, but that’s inconsequential.  
DIRK: They’re still infinite.  
DIRK: We can take that for granted, right.  
KANAYA: R-Right?  
DIRK: Yeah, of fuckin’ course we can.  
DIRK: But now imagine a number in which every last one of those digits which, to reiterate, make up an uncountable, unending amount...  
DIRK: Every single one of them is zero.  
KANAYA: Um  
DIRK: That's fucking absurd.  
DIRK: The likelihood of a whole number existing is, definitionally, infinitely unlikely.  
DIRK: It’s like playing poker in Hell for all eternity, and every single time the cards are dealt so your opponent has a Royal Flush and you have the exact same five cat turds.  
KANAYA: Uh  
DIRK: Realistically we ought to reach the heat death of the universe before we witness something that unlikely.  
DIRK: The fact that our collective crew here has witnessed three literal universe collapses and counting puts a little bit of a damper on that usually rock solid demonstration, but whatever.  
DIRK: The point is it’s a long ass fucking time.  
KANAYA: Uh Huh  
DIRK: And yet it’s one of the first things we learn.  
DIRK: One of our most basic, fundamental concepts.  
KANAYA: ...  
KANAYA: Whole Numbers You Mean  
DIRK: Hell yes.  
DIRK: And I know it’s the exact same situation with trolls, which means despite some _wildly_ different child-rearing practices, this is _truly_ a fundamental concept.  
DIRK: Babies learn it before their own names!  
DIRK: This thing that is essentially inconceivable is one of the first things we’re taught after conception!  
KANAYA: ...  
DIRK: ...  
KANAYA: ...  
DIRK: ...  
KANAYA: ...  
DIRK: ...  
KANAYA: Um  
DIRK: Jesus fucking Christ.  
KANAYA: Wow  
DIRK: I am so sorry about that.  
KANAYA: Im Beginning To See Why Rose Likes You  
DIRK: Uggh.  
KANAYA: And What Karkat Was Referring To When He Warned Me About Nervous Strideresque Ramblings  
DIRK: Oh my god.  
KANAYA: Although Im Not Sure Strideresque Is Really The Appropriate Word  
KANAYA: Considering You Are Equally As In Possession Of The Name As The Strider Weve Come To Know And Appreciate  
DIRK: Heh.  
DIRK: Well, I’m sorry, anyway.  
KANAYA: Its Alright  
KANAYA: It Was Enlightening  
DIRK: ...About the fundamentals of mathematics?  
KANAYA: ...Sure  
DIRK: Haha, shit.  
DIRK: Um.  
DIRK: I’m also sorry for the slight against you that you just clearly pointed out.  
KANAYA: What Slight Is That  
DIRK: That I’m talking to you last.  
KANAYA: Ha  
KANAYA: Thats Okay  
KANAYA: It Had To Be Someone After All  
DIRK: Not necessarily.  
DIRK: We could have done a big family meetup.  
DIRK: Just all dived the fuck in together.  
KANAYA: Yes But That Would Probably Have Gotten Overwhelming  
DIRK: Possibly.  
KANAYA: Someone In My Fourth Rung Position Might Not Have Gotten Their Fair Chance To Speak  
DIRK: Holy shit, I-  
KANAYA: Im Joking  
KANAYA: Honestly  
KANAYA: Its Fine  
KANAYA: Im Glad Were Talking Now  
DIRK: Yeah.  
DIRK: Me too.  
DIRK: What the fuck were we even talking about?  
KANAYA: Before The Essay On The Statistical Impossibility Of Whole Numbers  
DIRK: Yeah.  
KANAYA: I Believe It Was Our Innate Incompatibility As A Romantic Couple  
DIRK: Fucking hell.  
KANAYA: Ha  
KANAYA: And Before That It Was About My Relationship With Rose  
DIRK: Right.  
DIRK: Should we go back to that?  
DIRK: That feels like safer, more fruitful ground to tread.  
KANAYA: Im Okay With Going Back To That  
DIRK: Fucking awesome.  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: So, you’ve decided to give human monogamy a try.  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: Could you please show mercy and ignore the fact that I sounded like the narrator in a horrible 70’s sex ed video just now?  
KANAYA: Haha Im Not Entirely Sure What You Mean By That  
KANAYA: So Yes I Think I Can  
DIRK: Thanks.  
KANAYA: Anyway To Answer Your Question Ive Been Effectively “Trying” It For The Past Sweep And A Half  
DIRK: Right.  
DIRK: Of course.  
KANAYA: However Things Are Undeniably Different Now  
KANAYA: And Not Only Because Our Social Circle Has Suddenly Doubled  
KANAYA: With The Promise Of Very Soon Becoming  
KANAYA: Dare I Say  
KANAYA: Infinite?  
DIRK: Ha!  
KANAYA: Just To Be Clear I Know It Wont Actually Be Infinite  
DIRK: Oh damn.  
KANAYA: No Matter How Thoroughly We Repopulate This Planet  
KANAYA: I Cant Have You Thinking I Misunderstood The Fundamental Concept Of Your Lecture  
DIRK: Haha.  
DIRK: I wasn’t thinking that.  
DIRK: But thank you for clarifying.  
KANAYA: Youre Welcome  
DIRK: So what’s the other reason things are different now?  
KANAYA: Well To Be Perfectly Frank  
KANAYA: I Feel As Though We Have A Future Now  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: Well shit.  
KANAYA: Yes  
DIRK: That _was_ perfectly frank.  
DIRK: It was like-  
DIRK: God dammit.  
KANAYA: What  
DIRK: No, I was just gonna go off on a whole thing about Danny DeVito there, but I get the impression you’re actually baring your soul a little bit here, so for once in my goddamn life I’m going to hold back.  
KANAYA: You Can Always Tell Dave About It Later  
DIRK: Haha!  
DIRK: Yeah, I probably will.  
DIRK: Sorry, please go on.  
KANAYA: Right  
KANAYA: Well You See The Thing Is  
KANAYA: Regardless Of How Much I Enjoyed My Time On The Meteor  
KANAYA: There Was Always An Unshakable Countdown Hovering At The Back Of My Mind  
KANAYA: A Countdown To An Inevitable Moment When Everything Could Potentially Fall Apart  
DIRK: That sounds...  
DIRK: Harrowing.  
KANAYA: Yes Well  
KANAYA: I Got Reasonably Good At Pushing It Way To The Back A Lot Of The Time  
KANAYA: And Now  
KANAYA: Im Trying Not To Think About It All  
DIRK: Because you don’t have to.  
KANAYA: Exactly  
KANAYA: Now I Can Actually Think About The Future As A Good Thing  
KANAYA: Something To Look Forward To  
KANAYA: My Thoughts Are No Longer Obsessed With How And If Ill Stay Alive  
KANAYA: They Can Focus More On How  
KANAYA: And With Whom  
KANAYA: Im Planning To Spend The Rest Of My Presumably Immortal Life  
KANAYA: It Is Refreshing To Say The Least  
DIRK: Wait.  
DIRK: I...  
DIRK: I have two questions.  
KANAYA: Well Since That Pesky Countdown I Mentioned Is Finally Gone  
KANAYA: I Think We Have Time For Both  
DIRK: Ha.  
KANAYA: Which Would You Like To Start With  
DIRK: Okay first of all...  
DIRK: Fuck.  
DIRK: I’m having hell of a time coming up with a tactful way to ask this.  
KANAYA: Well Then Maybe You Should Just Ask It Untactfully  
DIRK: Yeah, I guess that hasn’t stopped me even once in this cursed conversation.  
KANAYA: Hahaha  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: You mentioned immortality.  
KANAYA: Yes  
DIRK: I didn't realize you’d reached God Tier.  
KANAYA: Oh  
KANAYA: I Didnt  
DIRK: Oh.  
KANAYA: And Since You Seem Preternaturally Informed About The Ways Of Trolls  
KANAYA: And I Can See You Glancing At The Color On My Shirt...  
DIRK: I mean...  
DIRK: Yeah.  
KANAYA: Yes Normally A Troll Of My Blood Caste Would Have A Natural Lifespan Of Around 180 Sweeps  
DIRK: But you’re not a very good troll.  
KANAYA: Heh  
KANAYA: No I Am Not  
KANAYA: Im A Rainbow Drinker  
DIRK: I’m sorry.  
DIRK: A what?  
KANAYA: I Guess Your Troll Knowledge Doesnt Extend That Far  
DIRK: I guess not.  
KANAYA: Well Luckily For You Ive Had More Than My Fill Of Translation From Dave And Rose  
KANAYA: So Im Very Aware That The Human Word  
KANAYA: Is Vampire  
DIRK: Vampire.  
KANAYA: Yes  
DIRK: You're a fucking vampire.  
KANAYA: Im A Fucking Vampire  
DIRK: Holy shit.  
DIRK: How in the _fuck_ was this not the fist thing we talked about?  
KANAYA: You Didnt Ask  
DIRK: Oh please.  
DIRK: You let me vomit all over about the goddamn magic of whole numbers for a full minute, and all that time you could have been telling me _this_ instead?  
KANAYA: Im Sorry  
DIRK: Well that’s pretty fucking awesome.  
DIRK: Right?  
DIRK: Oh god dammit, you’re not actually tortured by this are you?  
KANAYA: Haha  
KANAYA: No  
KANAYA: Im Happy To Report That I Lead A Decidedly Untortured Existence  
DIRK: Thank Christ.  
KANAYA: Heh  
DIRK: Okay, I have to know.  
DIRK: And since you’ve clearly had time to kill discussing this with Dave and Rose, I assume you’ll understand what I mean when I ask:  
DIRK: Are we talkin’ more Nosferatu or Edward Cullen, here?  
KANAYA: Haha  
KANAYA: Yes I Do Know  
KANAYA: And We Are  
KANAYA: Sigh  
KANAYA: We Are Talking Decidedly More Edward Cullen  
DIRK: Hey, don’t get down on yourself.  
DIRK: That’s nothing to be ashamed of.  
DIRK: If it’s a choice between rotting away in a crypt and kickin’ it Steve Buscemi “How do you do, fellow kids” style, it’s pretty clear which holds more widespread appeal.  
KANAYA: I Get The Sense You Might Not Agree With The Widespread Appeal  
DIRK: Yeah, well I’m a weird fucking case.  
KANAYA: Youre Not A Very Good Human  
DIRK: Exactly.  
KANAYA: Ha  
DIRK: But I get the impression you are.  
DIRK: Not a good human, obviously.  
KANAYA: But A Good Edward Cullen  
DIRK: That’s right.  
KANAYA: Haha  
KANAYA: I Guess I Am  
KANAYA: I Spent Plenty Of Time  
KANAYA: While Not In A Crypt  
KANAYA: Quite Isolated In The Desert  
KANAYA: And I Have To Say I Prefer  
KANAYA: As You Said  
KANAYA: Kicking It With My Fellow Kids  
DIRK: Wait.  
DIRK: Hold the fuck up.  
DIRK: Exactly how Buscemiesque are you in this analogy?  
KANAYA: Im Sorry What  
DIRK: Or you know, how Cullenish?  
KANAYA: ???  
DIRK: Kanaya, are you a hundred fucking years old?  
KANAYA: Oh!  
KANAYA: Hahaha  
KANAYA: No  
KANAYA: Im Just Shy Of Eight Sweeps  
KANAYA: Or Sixteen Years  
KANAYA: Like Everyone Else  
DIRK: Okay.  
DIRK: Glad to hear it.  
KANAYA: Yes Dont Worry  
KANAYA: Im Not Robbing The Brooding Caverns With Respect To Your Human Daughter  
DIRK: I mean, it’s not really any of my business.  
KANAYA: But It Is Reassuring  
DIRK: I suppose it is, a little, yeah.  
KANAYA: Heh  
DIRK: So, despite the fact that you’re only sixteen years into it, your lifespan is potentially infinite?  
KANAYA: That Is What The Beloved Trashy Novels Of My Youth Have Led Me To Believe Yes  
KANAYA: And So Far Theyve Been Alarmingly Accurate  
DIRK: Goddamn.  
KANAYA: Goddamn Indeed  
KANAYA: I Mean I Can Still Be Killed Presumably  
KANAYA: Thats What Befell My Ancestor Who Shared My  
KANAYA: Condition  
DIRK: What happened to her?  
KANAYA: She Exploded  
DIRK: Holy shit.  
KANAYA: Yes  
KANAYA: So Presumably If You Wished To  
KANAYA: “Take Me Out”  
DIRK: Ha!  
KANAYA: You Could  
KANAYA: You Know  
KANAYA: Blow Me Up  
DIRK: I’ll keep it under advisement.  
KANAYA: Haha  
KANAYA: Yes But I Appear To Be Immune To Things Like Old Age  
KANAYA: And More Minor Cases Of Illness And Violent Death  
DIRK: I get the feeling you’re speaking from experience.  
KANAYA: Yes  
KANAYA: I Was Shot Through The Stomach By A Particularly Nasty Boy  
DIRK: Oh shit.  
KANAYA: With The Very Magic Wand Id Given Him Earlier That Day  
DIRK: Holy shit.  
KANAYA: But It All Worked Out In The End  
KANAYA: I Came Back  
KANAYA: And Cut Him In Half With A Chainsaw  
DIRK: Jesus shitting Christ.  
KANAYA: That Was The Same Day I Met Rose  
DIRK: Oh my god.  
KANAYA: A Real Mixed Bag Of A Day  
DIRK: Kanaya.  
DIRK: I swear to god I’m not asking this ironically...  
DIRK: Are you the most interesting person I’ve ever met?  
KANAYA: I Dont Know  
KANAYA: Am I  
DIRK: You’re rising through the ranks pretty fuckin’ quickly, I’ll give you that.  
KANAYA: Wow  
DIRK: I mean, full disclosure, the number of people I _have_ met is limited.  
DIRK: Five months ago I hadn’t met anyone.  
KANAYA: At All?  
DIRK: At all.  
KANAYA: Well Thats Interesting Too In Its Own Right  
DIRK: It is... really not.  
KANAYA: Mm  
DIRK: Whatever.  
DIRK: The point I’m driving at here is:  
DIRK: How did I not know any of this about you?  
KANAYA: You Chose To Talk To Me Last  
DIRK: God _damn_.  
DIRK: I guess I fuckin’ did.  
KANAYA: Heh  
DIRK: Ha!  
KANAYA: I Think You Had Another Question  
DIRK: Oh yeah, that one’s easy.  
DIRK: When are you guys getting married?  
KANAYA: !  
DIRK: Fuck.  
DIRK: That...  
DIRK: That was way the fuck out of line, wasn’t it?  
DIRK: God damn it.  
KANAYA: Dirk  
KANAYA: Please Dont Tell Anyone  
DIRK: Wait.  
DIRK: Holy shit.  
DIRK: So you _are_?  
KANAYA: Oh My God  
KANAYA: Wait  
KANAYA: So You Didnt Actually...  
DIRK: Er, no.  
KANAYA: Oh No  
DIRK: Fuck.  
DIRK: I’m sorry.  
DIRK: You were going on and on about human parlance and monogamy, and...  
DIRK: I guess I just inferred...  
DIRK: I figured we’d just riff some more about sociological differences.  
KANAYA: Oh My God  
DIRK: But now I’m getting the sense that I inferred...  
DIRK: Um.  
DIRK: Correctly?  
KANAYA: Bluhhh  
DIRK: Wow.  
DIRK: Um.  
KANAYA: Can You Please Not Tell Rose That You Know  
DIRK: I...  
DIRK: Oh god _fucking_ dammit.  
DIRK: I’m the first one, aren’t I?  
KANAYA: Ahhhh  
DIRK: You haven’t told anyone else?  
KANAYA: Bluhhhhh  
DIRK: Oh my god.  
DIRK: Shit.  
DIRK: I won’t tell Rose.  
DIRK: Or anyone, for that matter.  
DIRK: If you don’t want me to.  
DIRK: I hope that goes without saying.  
KANAYA: Yes Well  
KANAYA: Thank You  
KANAYA: It Is Certainly More Reassuring To Actually Hear You Say It  
DIRK: Of course.  
KANAYA: ...  
DIRK: Sorry-  
KANAYA: We Spoke About It-  
KANAYA: Oh  
DIRK: No, go on.  
KANAYA: Im Sorry Its Just  
KANAYA: Now That You Know...  
DIRK: Hey, if you want to let loose, go right ahead.  
DIRK: I’m capable of not spoiling any number of wedding facts.  
DIRK: Unless you tell me you’re intending to commit murder.  
DIRK: But honestly, even if that were the case, I’d probably keep quiet.  
DIRK: Consider this future daughter-in-law confidentiality.  
KANAYA: Wow Thats Weird To Hear  
KANAYA: But Okay  
KANAYA: Um  
KANAYA: Rose And I Actually Spoke About It At Length On The Meteor  
KANAYA: Throwing A Human Style Wedding  
KANAYA: It Was One Of Our Favorite Pastimes  
KANAYA: We Never Acknowledged It Out Loud But I Think We Both Found It A Real Balm To The Underlying Dread  
KANAYA: Focusing On The Minutiae Of This Event  
KANAYA: This Unapologetically Positive Thing  
KANAYA: Something To Look Forward To On The Other Side Of All The Uncertainty  
KANAYA: You Know  
DIRK: Sure.  
DIRK: That sounds understandable.  
KANAYA: Yes Well  
KANAYA: In Retrospect It Was Really Quite The Emotional Gamble  
KANAYA: In The Event That Things Hadnt-  
KANAYA: Um  
KANAYA: But Thats A Moot Point Now  
KANAYA: Because Here We Are  
DIRK: Here we are.  
KANAYA: We Havent Started Plotting Out How It Would Actually Take Place Here Yet  
KANAYA: And Obviously There Are Some Other Things That Necessarily Should Take Priority  
KANAYA: With This Planet And All  
KANAYA: However  
KANAYA: We Are Both In Agreement That We Would Like To See This Dream Come To Fruition  
KANAYA: Sooner Rather Than Later  
KANAYA: ...  
KANAYA: Honestly I Think We Both Cant Believe Its Actually Really Happening  
KANAYA: ...  
DIRK: You okay?  
KANAYA: Sniff  
KANAYA: Yes Im Fine  
KANAYA: Um  
KANAYA: Heh  
KANAYA: Im Really Really Fine  
KANAYA: Anyway  
KANAYA: I Believe Rose Has A Rather Intricate Design She Plans On Following To Tell Everyone  
KANAYA: Which Again  
KANAYA: To Be Clear  
KANAYA: We Havent Even Really Started Discussing In Actionable Terms Yet  
DIRK: Sure.  
KANAYA: But While Ill Freely Admit That I Have Far From A Perfect Mastery Over Human Familial Bonds  
KANAYA: Um  
DIRK: You sincerely doubt the first step in her plan was for _you_ to accidentally let it slip to _me_.  
KANAYA: Er  
KANAYA: Yes  
DIRK: Yeah, I could see that.  
DIRK: This is pretty much the dumbest possible way this could go.  
KANAYA: Heh Heh...  
DIRK: But don’t worry.  
DIRK: I get it.  
DIRK: I totally get it.  
DIRK: And I promise I won’t breathe a word.  
KANAYA: Okay  
KANAYA: Thank You  
DIRK: I’ll just start off my brand new relationship with my daughter by lying to her face.  
KANAYA: !!!!!!!  
DIRK: Oh my god.  
DIRK: Wait.  
DIRK: _Holy shit_ that was in bad taste.  
KANAYA: Uh  
DIRK: I don’t mean that, Kanaya, I promise.  
DIRK: This is really, genuinely, so not actually a problem.  
KANAYA: O... Kay?  
DIRK: I swear to god.  
DIRK: I mean really.  
DIRK: In a lot of ways I’m the best fucking person you could have told.  
DIRK: I don’t respond to fuckin’ anything.  
DIRK: I’ve crafted a bizarre, off-putting brand that’s a hearty blend of stoicism and just plain assholeness.  
DIRK: No one can get a damn thing out of me.  
KANAYA: Is That Really True  
DIRK: I have a terrible feeling it might be, yeah.  
KANAYA: Heh  
KANAYA: I Hope So  
KANAYA: I Could Very Well See Dave Saying Much The Same Thing  
KANAYA: And Then Promptly Telling Ten People Without Even Realizing It  
DIRK: Heh!  
DIRK: Yeah, well, I think Dave’s been softened up by years of that terrible disease called healthy interpersonal interactions.  
KANAYA: Er  
DIRK: I mean that in the most positive way possible, to be clear.  
KANAYA: Mm  
DIRK: The bottom line is, your secret's more than safe with me.  
DIRK: I promise.  
DIRK: And when Rose _does_ tell me, I’ll react exactly as stoically and uncomfortably inappropriately as I would if I were learning about it for the first time.  
KANAYA: Okay  
KANAYA: Thank You Dirk  
DIRK: Of course.  
DIRK: And, in case it wasn’t also clear:  
DIRK: Congratulations.  
KANAYA: Oh!  
KANAYA: Er  
KANAYA: Thank You  
KANAYA: Huh  
KANAYA: Im Not Going To Lie  
KANAYA: Thats Actually A Little Exhilarating To Hear  
DIRK: Cool.  
DIRK: And um, sorry again for prying it out of you.  
KANAYA: Thats Alright  
KANAYA: Im Afraid It Took Very Little Prying  
DIRK: Maybe you’re just excited about it.  
KANAYA: Yes  
KANAYA: Ive Found Myself Excited About A Lot Of Things Lately  
DIRK: That’s really fucking great.  
KANAYA: Yes  
KANAYA: I Suppose It Is  
KANAYA: It Is Really Really Fucking Great!  



End file.
